I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
