No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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