Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
