when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
