i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
handjob tips. give me some.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize