All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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