No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
