...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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