where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
