Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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