I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
