I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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