I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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