you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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