Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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