Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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