Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
