hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
