I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
