That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
