Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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