I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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