so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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