What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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