Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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