Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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