We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
