I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize