I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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