The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize