areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
