I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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