My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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