its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
