some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
