He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
