in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
