remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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