she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
