two words: eviction party
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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