How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
