The maid of honor just puked.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
