: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
