we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
