You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize