Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
