i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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