I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
