She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize