the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
