Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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