Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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