you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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