kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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