i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
