so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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