my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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