The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
