Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize