He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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