tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
